Guilty Pleasures

Bieber. Current King of teen dreams.

As we type, a Justin Bieber record is probably being played in a billion teenage bedrooms, or a photo of him is being gazed upon a mobile phone or some weird pseudo-sexual reference to him is trending on Twitter.

Such is the ways of the modern teen idol, of which Beiber is reigning supreme. For those of you who can’t understand why teenage and tweenage girls go into a hysterical frenzy at the mere mention of his name, there is a simple explanation: you are not a teenage girl therefore he isn’t for you and you don’t need to spend time shaking your head and “not getting it”.

For you must cast your mind back to when you were a youthful young pup and how the teen idol of your day made you get all hot and excited and maybe feel a bit funny downstairs. We’re going to look back at teen idols of yore right now so find something to grab hold of in case you have a sudden hormonal surge.

ELVIS

The mere sight of this made girls pregnant in the 50s

The first teen idol that caused mass youth meltdown was Elvis Presley who had uncontrollable hips that thrusted sheer masculinity, a well sculpted quiff and a glint in his blue eyes that lead one to believe he’d give you a right good seeing too.

His music was rock and roll and it was exciting. As he was so pelvically charged, on the telly they’d only show him from the waist up as anything below that was too raunchy for women to see. They’d go into a frenzy at the mere suggestion of a crotch so as for one that moved, well to show that would no doubt cause a mass loss of mind for the women folk. So torso and glad eye was all they got.

Even when he got older and bloated by the meds and peanut butter and jam and deep fried butter and chips sandwiches, he still had it. Check out the pelvic percussion on this. Woof!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE BEATLES

Short haired lovers from Liverpool

Although they were a “credible” act, the term Beatle mania wasn’t caused by the insects. That’s because they’re spelt differently (beetles). No, it was the band who caused beatle mania. And specifically this band. Called The Beatles.

We don’t really need to tell you anything else about them. They were one of the most important bands ever in the world of music. Apart from Big Fun of course.

But for those who don’t know, they were four Liverpool lads who had a quick wit and buckets of charm who won the hearts of everyone with their music and they invented the internet. Some of this is a lie.

Teenage girls went mental for them. Like proper nut nut. This clip from a Hard Days Night isn’t actually that far removed from the truth. Imagine trying to do your weekly shop! Nightmare.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

DAVID CASSIDY

Hi girls, I’m just a regular wholesome guy *sigh*

Finding fame in The Partridge Family, David Cassidy was king of the teen dream in the 70s with his gentle pop laments, washed denim get ups and feathered hair cut.

He looked like he borrowed his sister’s tops and shirts sometimes too, but you know, that only made him more endearing to the young girls of the day. He liked horses and dogs and sitting on gates on country lanes and if your imagination was strong enough, he also liked rolling around in hay barns with you.

Nowadays, without the long layers falling around his face he looks a bit spooky and almost reptilian don’t you think?

You can imagine a forked tongue just nipping out can’t you? We’re not being nasty about it. It’s no a bad thing to look like a reptile. They’re very nimble and slick. Better that than a slug anydays.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE BAY CITY ROLLERS

The Rollers. They made girls SCREAM. Really.

The Rollers. This could be one of those times when “you had to be there”. Like when someone tells you a “hilarious” joke that Brian told them in the office and how they were all laughing and Tracey from Accounts laughed so much she snorted coffee out of her nose, yet when they tell you it, you don’t laugh and they say “Oh you had to be there”.

The Bay City Rollers were often top to toe in tartan and were a legitimate teen sensation. Seriously they went nuts for them. But judging by the photo above and the clip below, although the pop was top, in terms of the lust-driven screams they induced, one can only conclude that it was very much a case of “you had to be there”.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BROS

Bros. 2 x brothers, 1 x plumber

Bros appeared in the 80s like a double peroxide dream of a teenager’s double maths daydreams. And Craig of course, Craig wasn’t related and had brown hair, so he was always going to have to work harder poor thing.

They had their own unique approach to fashion involving discard lager bottle tops as a shoe accessory. It was forward thinking if nothing else and actually quite eco friendly.

Their records weren’t particularly stand out though and the minimal Bros entry on Wikipedia is testament to their pop legacy.

Matt Goss always used to pull his trousers down at the end of a gig as well which was a bit weird as that’s what pissed or poorly minded people do on a night out. Or in broad daylight in the case of the latter. And at the bus stop as one has witnessed on more than one occasion. He’s now in Vegas doing a show. Not sure if it’s a pants-down performance though. It’s not been reported as yet.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

TAKE THAT

Take That, in their early years *swoon*

Oh Take That. Ruled the charts and hearts in the 90s. Then Robbie went and spoilt the party by hanging out with the Gallagher’s, having MY DRUG HELL and then quitting the band who tried to carry on, but then decided to end things thus breaking every girls heart across the land.

They were the biggest and best boy band at the time. Maybe of all time. Many tried to imitate them, but they didn’t have the special formula that TT had – 2 x very good dancers (Jason and Howard), 1 x cute one (Mark), 1 x cheeky one (Robbie) and 1 x bad dancer but-it’s-ok-cos-he’s-a-brilliant-song-writer (Gary).

As we all know, everything got better again when they reformed and during that time in the wilderness / winning Celebrity BB /some other stuff, they became even more attractive. Check it!

Take That now *mega swoon*

So not only have they returned to bring more pop majesty to us and bring teen lust bubbling up in 30 year old mothers, but they give us all hope in these testing times that if we lose our house / job / worldly goods / children at least we may emerge more attractive than before. HOORAY!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SPICE GIRLS

Which one do you want to be: gobby, Essex, blonde, scouse or SLAG?

Spice Girls. Can you spot the difference between them and the other teen idols? THEY HAVE KNOCKERS.

Our only girls in the pot, but their position as idols is valid as they caused worldwide teen hysteria in the 90s with their shouts of Girl Power and platform trainers.

They topped charts all over the world. They sold out stadiums. They pinched Prince Charles’s asrse. They even had their own scooters! B*Witched could only dream of such marketing millions.

Geri did a Robbie by leaving and ver Spices carried on, but they went a bit “urban” and frankly it didn’t work. They reformed for some comeback gigs but they’ve sensibly left the memory of their female force pop assault marginally unsullied in our minds. And there they shall remain.

Teen idols come and go. Some are ace; some must have caught us on a good day. But continue they will and soon Bieber’s reign will end and another upstart will come claim his crown and thus it shall ever be, from now until eternity.