It’s the age old question: which pop stars are pirates and which ones are sailors? One at last we can shine some light upon, as we have had a look at the musical recruits and by a complex series of tests have decided which camps they sit in. The results of which we can present to you in this here blog.
Michael Hutchence
The first piratey pop star you think of. He’s dangerous, he’s untamable , he was probably a right good laugh to get drunk with, he liked weird sex games: all key pirate qualities. PLUS the added bonus of having all his own teeth!
The other member of INXS might have thought they were PBA (Pirate By Association) thanks to Michael’s charisma, but judging by their selection of spectacles, sensible haircuts and unwise wardrobe choices, they’re just not cut out for this swashbuckling game. Soz lads.
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Christina Aguilera
Tries to be a sailor here, all clean and gleaming with her red lipstick, calf length skirts, cheeky winks etc but we know she’s running away from her murky past where did stuff like this so frankly she’s a filthpot and the navy would chuck her overboard in a flash.
We know you’re a mother now, more wholesome, nurturing and all different Christina, but you were flashing your knickers and dry humping fellow dancers so it’s not like we are completely without grounds. Mind you where there’s muck there’s brass so praps it’s not all bad…
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Kylie
Sailor. Even when now deceased pop pirate Michael Hutchence, changed her into SexKylie™, we bet she still washed properly and wouldn’t let him put *it* up *there*. And that’s no bad thing. She’s a good girl. And in tenuous link terms, she had a whole SHIP for her set on the On A Night Like This tour, so she’s definitely nailing her colours to the mast.
We just can’t find any footage of it on the internet. But here’s a picture of her as a jazzy sailor in sequined bell bottoms so that’s all the proof we think you need frankly.
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The Village People
Sailors. Obvs. Next!
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Madonna
Unquestionably a pirate. She’s a musical chameleon. She changes her look constantly. She has her own rules. She’d never last five minutes in the military. She’d be bunking off from drills, smoking fags and staying up all night with the local hell’s angels and getting dropped back at base camp on the back of their Harley.
She even looks like a pirate here – string vests, buckled boots and belts AND hair that’s not seen shampoo for days.
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Frankie Cocooza
Wants to be a pirate somewhat desperately, but despite the crow’s nest on his head and crabs running amok in his pants (allegedly – GP Editor), we all know he wouldn’t stand a chance next to Captain Birdseye let alone Blackbeard.
We certainly hope he’s currently taking Michael Madsen’s wise advice on Celebrity Big Brother and is taking time to “work on his music”. YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT MICHAEL. BIG HELP.
Tags: Christina Aguilera, Kylie, madonna, Michael Hutchence, Sailors vs Pirates