We’re pumping ourselves up for our Let’s Get Physical parties in London on January 28th and Manchester on February 11th. We’re necking the protein shakes and carbo loading a-plenty. All we need to do now is go to the gym.
To inspire us into such a heady task, we’re looking to the world of pop culture to motivate us into becoming the perfect physical specimens we are currently hiding away inside our flabby bodies. Plus we can pick up some handy fashion pointers too as frankly, shorts with a perished underpant lining and a faded Reading Festival T shirt from 1996 isn’t going to turn many heads now is it?
First off, Man 2 Man are going to sell us the virtues of this gym life. “Do you wanna be Jane Fonda or at least be like her?” they ask. YES! “Do you wanna be Arnold Schwarzenegger or at least be like him?” Er no! But thanks for asking!
If that was an all too frighteningly butch affair, then let the fragrant Olivia Newton-John guide you through her workout regime, which seems to involve pounding on some comedy fat lads a bit whilst wearing a natty headband. They all turn into oiled Adonises in tiny brightly coloured pants. Wow that’s some feat ONJ. They also only have eyes for each other. Oh bad luck old girl, still you can pull off the sportswear look with panache so that’s something. Even if the boys don’t notice, we do:
If contact sports, grunting and looking a bit mangled are more up your street then may we suggest Rocky? It can help you on the way to achieving all these things plus bonus dead animal punching!
The more graceful amongst us may not find other people’s sweat flicked on them as an appealing environment for exertion, so ice skating may be an option. You get a nice flouncy outfit, no one bats an eyelid at the amount of slap and fake tan you wear, it looks rather fancy etc. The only set back is that a de-ponytailed, ex-England goalie *may* drop you chin first on the ice. But as long as you avoid that you should be fine. The aim is Bolero, all dramatic reaching, sincere facial expressions and perfectly timed spins. Swoonsome. The reality is probably a trip down the hozzer and a limb in plaster courtesy of your butter-fingered partner. Ah well, one can dream:
Golf isn’t a sport. It’s standing around, talking and walking on a nice lawn with fancy poles and balls. But walking in plus fours! And brightly coloured knits as favoured by Irish light entertainers! Then shoes with studs and tassles! Ok, we can see the merits a little more, especially when Chevy Chase is holding the irons:
Children are never too young to get into sport. Especially ones where they can beat each other up. Everyone loves a violent child. Karate is a philosophy though; it’s controlled, it’s measured, it’s disciplined. Yeah, it’s still kicking another human harder than they kick you though isn’t it? With or without a wise Chinese elder: